I get this feeling sometimes, call it a funk or whatever you want, but I get very depressed and antsy, like I don’t have any control over my life at all, and I start to go sort of crazy in my head. Of course, I keep all of this inside, I don’t tell my friends and family how I really feel and what’s actually going on in my head. Then I start to feel like no one really cares about me, completely ignoring that fact that it’s my fault I go unnoticed, and that makes this whole fucky mood or funk spiral even deeper.
The only thing that I feel I have real and actual complete control over is my hair, and when I get this way I want to do something drastic and nuts to it, such as cut it all off or bleach it completely white, I watch the Marry the Night video over and over again, and proceed to have a total emotional break down.
I guess it means I really need change and I’m only grasping at straws trying to get it any way I can, and it works for a while, but then I start to get that way again. It’s a Band-aid that doesn’t stay on very well.
At this particular moment I’m listening to Momma Monster and attempting to bleach a strip of hair with peroxide and developer because I am broke and can’t get my hands on real bleach. Hopefully it works, and this Band-aid sticks long enough, because I have family dinner tonight and I don’t think I can take my sister-laws- bitchy, death glares and everyone asking me if I’m ok because I’m so quiet.
Fuckity.
