The Musings of a Fangirl.

Before I go off on this rant I need to clarify a few things.

1. I am gay.
2. I was raised Southern Baptist and I do believe in God.

Obviously, I don’t agree with what the Bible/God says about homosexuality. I can’t, and never will be able to, wrap my mind around the fact that my God, who loves me so much and wants the very best in life for me, will condemn me for the love I have for another human being just because that person and I are the same sex. I can’t see why or how love can be a sin based solely on gender. 

Now, having been raised in the church and on the bible this argument (skip ahead to 1:30) always grinds my gears. There is a reason that it is called the OLD Testament, or law, because it no longer applies. It was done away with so that a new and better law could be put into place, and it is not just in the Old Testament that homosexuality is brought up. It is also stated in Matthew that it is an abomination in God’s eyes. It is apart of the New Law, therefore it still applies making this whole stupid argument invalid. 

Once again, just because I am arguing this doesn’t mean that I agree with what it has to say about being gay and having sex with the same gender. I’m simply saying that if you’re going to use scripture as a weapon, you should really get your facts straight.

Rant finished.

The current life I’m leading is driving me into the ground. I lost my job about a month ago (Jesus, time flies when you sleep all day) and I’m going crazy trying to find a new one. My laziness is not a helping factor in the search. 

I’m been snooping around the internet looking for ads for writers hoping maybe I can find something to keep me occupied and perhaps have some payout. No such luck. Also, job hunting when you’re without a car is pretty damn hard. I’m feeling the pressure from my Aunt to find a job and find it quick and that’s stressing me out even more. She acts like I’m not looking. I’ve been filling out online apps left and right, I know that’s not the best way to go but again, no car.

Being jobless coupled with my depression and social anxiety is not conducive to results. Staying in my pj’s until two in the afternoon and staying up all night may seem like the life but it’s really bumming me out because I know that at the moment my life is going no where, and it’s making me feel more than a little worthless.

I decided to see what it would be like to become a Chacha guide. While answering the moronic questions of a vast preteen clientele may be a good way to kill time, and the flexible, work when you want where you want format is pretty great the pay is shit (.005 per question answered by a vetter, which is the entry level postion). I’d have to answer 4,000 questions a day to make a substantial income, but it’s not like I signed up to make it a career, although, supposedly there are people who have worked very hard at rising in the ranks and have made it their sole income. I’m only looking for a little money on the side to tide me over until I can get a job. 

Thanks for the follow!

Will you let me drown?

Let me slip from it all and pretend that I don’t have to live anymore?

Could you just let me go?

Watch me fall and let me land, shatter and reform?

A devastating free fall sounds beautiful and refreshing.

It sounds like a plan I could follow through and not be afraid of.

Let me go.

Release my hand and just be there after it’s all through.

Is that too much to ask of you, dear?

Can I ask you to be there and whisper to me that the world is just fucked up and it always will be?

For you to feed me comforting lies while I cry in your arms is all I ever needed.

You could be the release that pulls me back again.

Will you let me drown?

Be confident.

Don’t let others tell you how to look and feel.

You are your own body and mind, and you’ve got everything you need to be comfortable and secure on your own.

It’s okay to be scared.

Even the strongest people are afraid of something.

Clothes are nothing but fabric to cover our bits and pieces.

Wear whatever you want.

Don’t dress to impress anyone but yourself.

Girls, don’t feel pressured to wear skimpy clothing to get the attention of the opposite sex.

You don’t want those boys, they’re not looking at the real you anyway.

It’s okay to be single.

There’s nothing wrong with you, just remember that boys can be just as shy as we are.

Don’t hold back from doing something because you’re afraid of doing it wrong.

That’s bondage and you will never learn to learn from your mistakes.

Guard your heart but don’t build walls of indestructible steel.

Sometimes it’s okay let people in.

It’s okay to talk to someone about the way you feel because you never know who’s going through the same thing.

The sad truth is you’ll never reach perfection in anyone else’s eyes.

But that’s okay because you don’t need to.

Live up to your own standards and screw everyone else.

You are your own person.

Live that way.                  

What you do to me.

It’s strange, intoxicating, maddening.

I love every word and hang on every letter.

Can’t get enough of, what I perceive, is your love.

The attention you give me and the way we speak is that of lovers.

That notion, however, is nothing but pure fantasy.

We are nothing but good friends.

Nothing more, nothing less.

The things we have in common are to strengthen our bond, but not to move it forward in any way.

You set me free and hold me captive in ways you will never know.

I hate you because it hurts.

I love you because it’s beyond my control.